curious hideout

Wo bu yao

2011-09-20T01:13:00.001+08:00

i don't know if you understand what i am writing,

but i must try to let you know.

You n I should know better, even how close our minds may be, we are not meant for each other.

we'll be friends. that's what we are. no more, no less. no middle.

all the right and wrong we all know.

don't tell me feelings flow like water.

don't tell me it is all natural.

I may give u so much warmness,

and u may give me appreciation.

but my love is only one.

my love is all i want.

i do admit i made mistakes in the pass.

i do admit you are so good to be true.

but i am sure what i want. what i need. who i love. who i care.

caring heart, i can give. i do wish to see you become happy again. but not this way.

no shortcut.

im sorry if i gave you so much hope.

i only wish for everyone to be happy.

i am not going away. not disappearing. im still a friend here. a normal friend.

be strong. i know you can. everyone falls. everyone hurts. everyone learns. everyone gets up.

look around you, you have many friends that care. you are not alone. and you don't need me.

in my heart. my love, my one n only is star.

2010-07-28T15:06:00.001+08:00

to all loyal reader(s)
kinda trying out this new blog,
please navigate yourself to...

www.dreamchazer.tumblr.com

some questions...

2010-07-19T13:35:00.000+08:00

Kinda excited lately….will tell ya later on why…haha…

The new semester has started, and here I am working in Gold River for a week. As I settle much of my stuffs in uni, I suddenly found out some distress. Its really frustrating though since im not able to be uni for this particular week.

In a state of worrying emotion most of the time, I could not understand how I could not manage this feeling properly. I feel I am too laid aback till I have to face the circumstances.

What circumstances that is? I guess its hiccups along the road. Everything used to revolve around me last time. But now, I figured that its no longer that way. I follow how the world revolves. I am bound to the rules and regulations of the university. If I do not obey, there goes my future…every move is so fragile and makes a domino effect. You don’t do this, you can’t do that.

Where I was pampered in high school, I feel so unbalanced. I do what I like no matter what it is, eventually I always go away with happy endings. Then, there is the bitter truth of just doing what you like and not planning well. All things that you assumed should fall into place, do not go exactly to how you want it.

What you want is not what you get if you could not grab hold of it. To grab hold of it doesn’t mean there is no effort in place. To grab, is to make smart decisions, precise planning, and the suitable actions.

And who knows exactly what is best? What is best? I question. What is best for me? What is best for my friends, and the people around me?

On deciding the best, here comes the invisible pressure of being best. Then comes the ironic part where there is no need to be best in all you do. You will just get tired out. What is so worthy of being best?

So silly this small mind of mine.

For being one of the best before, I do care if people have negative thoughts of me. I still want to be the clean living, heart loving, people caring person in the eyes of everyone. That is what I want to live for. For my own pleasure, I serve others. To see people around me happy.

But it is always not that easy. How many can I please? And does pleasing others guaranty my happiness. I can answer you, no. Sometimes I please n please till the extend the person may not appreciate what it is that I have done.

And so, as a human, I will make mistakes.

For not knowing what is the best actions. And as a human, we condemned the people that do not appreciate us. As I have encounter people who treat me thata way, I am immune towards the hurt of being not appreciated. That is how I defend myself. I try not to love these friends lesser for I still have hope in them. And just maybe I could not see the way they appreciate me.

All we see is the way we want people to treat us. Putting up to that, we blind ourselves on how they may have helped us in other ways we could not feel, or we are not satisfied we so little appreciation.

All I know is I can’t hate everyone that does that to me. Hate and anger would just lead to more destruction. But being truthful at certain times might help ease my discomfort. I hope for friends that I can rely on. That is all.

wake up call

2010-07-03T00:18:00.004+08:00

This post was the post I wanted to write just before. As something inappropriate happened, I decided to postpone it. As I postpone a post, usually I would not want to mention it again, or the matter has gone pass, or else I feel no passion for writing it.

And yet, I thought I would not need to type this post out, but as the title says wake up call, this is really a wake up call for me.

As we all move towards our everyday routine, you wake up, u brush your teeth (or you don’t), you eat your breakfast (or you don’t either), you go to school, college, or work, wherever you go, you are certainly living on the time basis where from what time to what time you have to do this.

Not living like a zombie, but just it shows that we are living no matter whatever we do, or wherever we go.

And here comes the best part, unexpected things that come bumping into your way. You may find money on the floor, get a new dog from mama, or the person you had a crush on says she loves you. These are the unexpected things anyone would be happy to hear or encounter. But bear in mind, not all the time good things happen.

And all sadists will gladly tell you that don’t be too positive that money will fall from heaven, the dog may bite you one day, and the person you love may hurt and leave you one day.

For we live in a world that pain and suffering is a part and parcel of life, I still keep on the positive track of everything.

No matter how smooth our live may be, we should open up ourselves to possibilities of hurt, and friend, the way to get out of it. We are not being God and trying to predict futures, but it is just a matter of saving more money just in case of an accident. As we go for medical checkup for hearts.

I had a wake up call recently, that even how sweet my life would be now, may suddenly end. Without any sign, I am suddenly stricken into despair. I find that I had slowly become weak, and easily set up on fire. Anger my friends would only lead to more despair.

When I realize my happy world was being shaken I start to ask myself is it true? That my world may fall upon me? What was it that triggers it? What did I do or not do? Questioning myself I still could not find the reason and I dare not make my own assumptions. In a situation of question marks, pain just gets stronger.

Suddenly you feel yourself so vulnerable; a match could light up a fire. But that Sunday I went to church. I skip Sunday service for so long. Reappearing was a joy for everyone and of course for me. I listen to TK preach that morning. A song lyric struck my bitter heart. That God is enough for me, and certainly do God is enough for me. To cure my bitter heart I know that there is still HIM.

Spend my time with Amanda that Sunday afternoon who I don’t see often. Brought me to a beautiful bakery. Just chatting with her always always makes me feel better, as if she is the second Janice. She understands. Each word I want to say. Having her as a sister in christ is really heaven sent.

And so, a wake up call made me notice that anything could happen anytime. We just got to be ready. And keep on loving. Knowing that I would hurt, I don’t stop loving, I don’t start hating. For if I stop loving and start hating, I surely would not feel more happy. I love with all I have without regrets knowing that she deserves all of it.

I am happy.

2010-06-29T00:31:00.000+08:00

I have a post I intend to post..but as I want to, another occasion comes in untill I don’t feel its suitable to spill out how I feel right that moment…in a mix of feelings, I better be a recent person and just get into the topic. (which I still doubt whether to mention or not).

I bought a new book which writes about pain. Hvnt read much, but I do get some perspective on pain now. I cant tell much yet about what I read, coz I only finish a quarter of it. But as I grab that book of the shelf, the title caught my heart, which I really want to know where is God when it hurts.

I am still in a mix of feelings, that I am jumbling up all that I want to write into one post. Pausing at the com for a moment, to think back what is it I wanted to write.

Friends in certain stage of our life changes, it may not be a drastic change, but maybe a slow process. As we all move on in different parts of our lives, sometimes even best friends feels far away.

At points of our growing life, friends that are close to us may start to have a different thinking about something. Maybe even different thinking about the same things you both agreed last time. Some friends will mature faster than us in their environment that they now work or study. Some friends will still be on the same pace as us.

And maybe, you both will start to like different things and don’t find common interest. While the world is so big outside, our friends may find other friends that share the common interest, common views, common experiences.

Yes, if there maybe someone like that come in the middle of their life, we cant be jealous and worry they would not want to be our friend again. Sometimes we just have to have a open heart, to let them have the opportunity to have a friend they are so fond of.

Although there maybe a gap in between, but for me, I will remember that we shared our pass together which is very delicate and memorable for everyone. Even if they may not notice it yet. We continue to be by their side, reminding them that we are still here, and it was us that they always want to hang out with.

Sometimes, distance become our enemy, and time bcomes a greater enemy. But inside us is our strongest weapon, that is our hearts. You have a heart, that can love and show love. Although sometimes we get hurt and dissapointed, but that is not the reason to give up. We cant stop loving the world anymore if we always get hurt. To feel pain just makes us appreciate the simple joy we have.

I may not understand even if I write so much here, but all I want is actually to give you courage. Give u another view, don’t close your heart.

I am afraid when I type this post. Afraid of what I say. Because I am not so good in talking or even writing.

I just wan you to be happy. I hope I can do that. *pray*

2010-06-09T00:35:00.003+08:00

its been so long i have not updated, days goes by and everything just happens...

places i went and places i go. but i usually don't just chatter about places i've been, its always how i feel that is what tat matters here.

just before this post i talked about begining of a new semester, and now this little semester is coming to an end. could u consider it as fast? I would agree deeply as you can see its a distant of only a post..haha..

What actually did happen within this two months that is going to expire soon in 2 weeks plus (which includes my finals)...

Alot alot of sweet unforgetable memories im sure i would want to share discreetly with you all..haha..but just leave it to my love chest. although times have been hard for i see her lesser these 2 months, but im glad we did not shatter merely by just distance. Instead it trains us to control how much we miss someone, cumulate all that miss, and pour it out when we meet on weekends.

Some weekends we go ride bicycles, some weekends we climb hill, some weekend we just go for a jog, and some weekends we go elsewhere. Some things may seem simple, but just as simple as it can be, i am happy for all the small small things i get to do with u. and i noe u feel it too.

To apreciate a simple thing isn't what everyone can do, or able to notice. Sometimes when u have so much, u would just want more and more, until u forget or have no feelings for small small things people do for you.

To appreciate is with the heart, not the brain nor by logic. It is not an obligation or a must, but a way to show you love what the person has done for you. I love each and everything you had made for me, done for me, and all the places you go with me.

i love.

current feeling

2010-05-04T22:32:00.002+08:00

Feel like saying something philosophic, but there ain’t any thing that happened lately that shows much discomfort in me. As if all my days are filled with rainbows.

To think that I might be lonely this semester studying here, but I am so wrong. As the crowd gets smaller, everyone gets closer. With a new roommate, and the other gals on the same floor, my room is livelier than last time.

This room feels bigger as there is a lot of empty space, brighter as it’s on the second floor, and I can see the trees and sky. Like very nice. I am not staying under the bridge anymore, but above the bridge. The sun light can come in and make the room fresh with sunshine.

Most important of all in this semester, I can see her every day. Haha…yah…everyday. Guess how? No, not because I travel back to KL all the time. No, not because she comes to find me, but we meet in a small window every day. A special window only I can see her, and she sees me.

I find there is so much time; I must do something with it...so far I don’t know yet. But wish to work on weekends if I can. Planning on some holiday trips and feeling excited, but there are still barriers such as transport and where is the exact location. Hope it gets solve soon and we can go on our little holiday.

Been to two places out of KL with you already within this 3 months, and we still have places we haven’t go. To say is it tired? I don’t feel so. I just hope that money keeps pouring in. hahahaha…

If only I was so rich. We could go anywhere together. Do anything we want to. Bring you places that would take your breath away, although just being with me has done so. Hehe.

Could be myself so much when I am with you, you would just laugh at anything silly thing I do which makes me laugh as well, and in some ways see things the way I do. Takes care of me like a baby, and lets me protect her like a small man.

feel free

2010-05-03T12:29:00.000+08:00

In 3rd sem now, and I feel my time here is too free…good and bad…good coz I have time for myself and work, bad that I am stuck here. Many many time oso no use. I would like to travel back to kl sometimes…hehe…

Went to Malacca on Labor Day with her, Nicky and Fiona. Drove all the way there myself and sat in the car for almost 4 hours plus just before we reach Malacca. Main reason, jam~

But it was altogether fun, first time go to Butterfly park look at alive butterflies and see them clinging on my fingers. It flew to her first and stayed on her finger longer than mine, at that time, I feel that butterflies are beautiful…only when it’s on her hands…hahahahaha…

Glad that we did not lost our way there and manage to eat chicken riceball and chendol. The main reason we go to Malacca is to go sit the Menara Taming Sari. We wanted to sit Eye on Malaysia, but its closed. So we sat the gyro tower instead. Look at the sea awhile and took pictures most of the time. Haha…

We were so tired after that; we decided to sit the all famous flower beca of Malacca back to Jonker street. It was my first time sitting the flower beca after going to Malacca so many times. hahaha..duno why I felt so happy, especially when Nicky say it’s like we are getting married…Indian style. Haha…

Went to Jonker to squeeze like sardine, as it was a public holiday, people mountain people sea. We had our dinner at the Nyonya Laksa shop near the end of the street. Waited quite a while and almost got angry because it was hot and the chef’s attitude was a bit weird. Only take order from leng lui’s.

Drove back home around 10pm and reach at kl at 1230am…throughout the journey, I fetch two little pigs sitting behind me and by the time we all reach home it was already 130am. Tired, but happy.

Very happy.

recap...

2010-04-26T02:33:00.001+08:00

It’s been awhile I didn’t update anything. And until now I still don’t know what to write.

I always come here to express over sadness or over joyful things, and when it is in between it gets lame for me to mention.

As this is a public diary, I now have a private one with me, a living diary that jots down moments in my life. A diary that writes all that happens to me.

My distress, my dissatisfaction, my arguments, my tired moment, this little diary knows it all.
My joy, my achievement, my excitement, my craziness, this little diary reads it all.

Until I don’t have the feeling to express it again in blogs…hehe…apologies…

Just a recap, now I am having my finals…and 1 weeks after finals I have to start my 3rd semester. Which is a short semester when everyone is holidaying, I will be studying. But I still will have my own holiday~ wahaha…

Yesterday nite was iki’s 21st birthday bash, and it was very fun, where I meet back friends whom I’ve not seen for quite some time. And last two weeks was Emiri’s 21st birthday pulak, as our sis, her 21st we definitely won’t miss even if I had an exam on the day after…haha…

Den den, in march went to Su May’s 21st birthday celebration at a night club. Sweat…but me and joey had fun oso, taking pictures..hahaha….

Eh..then went to Broga Hill with the youths. Had a really memorable time there with the most special person in my life, my little diary. Did things I never did before. Things that I never do before with the one I love. Small small things but brings big meaning to us. Haa…..dreaming….

Ok..come back d…when bbq steamboat with Nicky and YY on a last minute date. Yet it was very fun coz long time din go d…the last time we went was last year, a few days before I go to UKM. They say celebrate the day before I go to “jail”…

And next month JR’s coming back, so can go out play d. when JR here there are more of us, if not just me and KY...i look at KY, KY look at me…

So that’s it…a short recap just to fill in the blanks…hahahaha…

Love is

2010-03-14T22:51:00.002+08:00

Is beautiful when you are with the right person.

In many forms and ways love performs differently. But which is true love?

It is true when I am with you. It sweeps me off my feet, and lands me down softly on the ground.

It keeps my heart pounding each time we meet.

It hurts when we miss each other so intensely.

It’s sweet when you smile, and laugh crazily.

It fills my head only with…you…you…and you… *wah~~so many you…*

It makes me smile even if I am alone.

So crazily yet that’s true. That I am crazy for you.

And all I could be so free, being able to be myself the way you love it.

When I look right you don’t look left, just as the way I view love, you see it the same way I do.

Of how we often think and say the same things. Is it coincidental or our minds are one?

If I accidentally fall down, you pick me up and keep me running.

If I am sad you will say jokes to make me laugh.

If I miss you like gila, we will talk on the phone for hours.

If whatever comes in our way we will go through it together.

No matter what may come tomorrow, all I know now is that I love you with all my might.

And what the future comes we both know. Yet it’s alright because right now we have each other.

And for once in our lifetime we had a sweet memory like this that stay in our hearts forever.

Relationship changes and dies, but memories don’t. That’s what gonna last forever.

did u mean me?

2010-03-07T23:28:00.002+08:00

Can somebody shake the coconut tree…

I was mentioning a few things at a time. Wasn’t only talking about one person.

If I accidentally hurt you, I am sorry.

Forgiveness isn’t something hard for me as you did not hurt me that deep.

We view our past failure as regrets and lessons in order we will not repeat, and sometimes change for the better.

We need to understand that to forget what had happen before sometimes takes time for certain people.

Sometimes if you choose to forget your past, it also means that you are running away from the truth, and not fixing that mistake.

Just sometimes this is what I mean. Sometimes it’s best to just forget. Forget what about some silly things that isn’t necessary to keep in our thoughts.

It all depends. Right?

Sometimes after making a mistake, it is hard to make our friends trust us again. I did it, but look where I am now? Everyone deserves a second chance, not just me, but anyone. I mean anyone ok?

It is how we hold that second chance. Do we cherish it? How we use that second chance? Do we waste it? Do we do things that make that second chance go away? How many chances do we have actually?

It is not easy to understand how a friend might think, especially not easy if we have not talk for awhile. It is not easy to guess even how well we may know someone. Sometimes, you will guess wrongly deep down inside what is she thinking. What is it that I am thinking? Who are my characteristics? I have no right to comment on it. No right to say how someone is. Everyone is special in their own way.

Here now, no one can really say who is who, what is what, unless we take out the step to create a whole truth for people to see and feel.

your 21st

2010-03-06T01:04:00.000+08:00

Is it fast or slow? That another year had passed and I feel as if it all happened few months ago.

Everything is still fresh.

Don’t make me recall, but as I look around I see little kids that resemble us playing, talking. Just today when it was raining, I when out my room from studying, look up where the rain falls, I can see droplets failing nicely before it reaches the ground. And do you remember, we put our hands out to catch the rain drops. Our heads up laughing, see the rain so special fall down so nicely when you look up the side of the building.

Don’t want to think that today is your birthday; want it to just pass fast fast. But why it doesn’t. Didn’t want to go online today coz I don’t want to see those comments, don’t want to feel this upset when I am already so upset. When I know I will be, I still open your fb account to see. What gave me courage to do so was I had someone dear with me by my side. I don’t feel that intense hurt at that moment.

She helps me to feel better at times I feel that I am going to break down. We talked on the phone most of the time today, making my day pass easier. Janice, I love her very much, wish you could see how she is. I finally found the one, the true one that only appears in my dreams. You would be so happy for me.

Wherever you are, if you can hear us or not, I hope that you are happy. After suffering so much here, I hope that you actually went to a better place.

I am sorry J, for not being there. For neglecting you as a friend, I still regret it. Guess I have to put it down, put it all down. I know I can live my days as normal as can be. You know I can still smile.

Just one thing I should be thankful…maybe that it’s a good thing that you are not always by my side. If you were, how could I go on with my life every day?

This big day – stroke it of the calendar. One down, and many more special occasions to go. I don’t want to think and imagine how your 21st birthday would be, don’t want to tell myself how sad I am. World of friends who know J, let’s not frown, let’s not despair, let’s cry together and just let it go. We may lost someone dear to us, but let’s view it as she has gone to some place better, happier.

I may lose someone who knows me best, my memories I may just hold alone. But I have new friends, and I have you, someone that knows what my heart is saying. And forever I will move on with smile, saying, “I am grateful that once in my life, I had J as a my best friend”.

how to use a word?

2010-03-01T23:54:00.000+08:00

Sometimes words we say, we used to hurt, we use to lie, we use to protect our self, we use in many ways good or bad.

Sometimes we mean what we say, and there are times we just lie on the surface. In all circumstances we all pass through this.

But when is it you are lying? And when is it you are not?

Don’t get use to lying so much until you choose to lie to yourself.

What did you say when you start to make a decision. Why are you off course, moving in another direction? Have you not said you will be the way you said you want to be?

Hard it is to change. Hard it is to be alone, hard it is to be the bad person. But as you had made a decision, stick with it. No matter how hard it is, it is not as hard as living your life with regret as a failure.

You tried; you tried to love with all your heart. That is what that matters. You should know better who loves you and who truly cares for you.

And for whatever reasons, all problems between two person needs two people to settle, not just one side rediscovering the whole thing and change for the other. Change is for the better, not for the worst.

Sometimes we misused our words and sometimes we cannot take it back. Why give chance for error to occur? Don’t misused words and regret it all over. I have been there, trust me many of us been there done that. Throwing out words like these just adds up hurt into your own life, not others.

Reconsider. What is going on?

the 2 weeks that passed...

2010-02-26T12:02:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year passed, valentines passed, midterm is passing, and athletics competitions also passing….

This cny is the most un-cny feeling I ever felt if I would compare it to the last few years. It is so funny that I din go bai nin to any of the friends houses except of coz for Sapo’s house. Did not even gamble. Weird…maybe its coz everyone is so busy, and there’s not much time for all of us. Although din go bai nin, angpao still not bad…if got go friends house will more abit..ngek ngek…

As valentine’s was on the 1st day of cny, we planned to celebrate a few days after. It makes no difference if you’re with the one you love; everyday can just be valentines. This valentines is the only valentines that I pass with someone I really love. Of all my 20 years of life…hahahaha…

And now it’s the midterms. Worried and excited, all set up and ready to sit for the exam, suddenly I gotta know that one of the paper is postponed to next week. While another paper clashes with my 200m event on this Sunday. So, in the end, this week I don’t have to sit for any exam.

To be so busy studying and suddenly now the pressure is not here, I feel more pressure. What am I to do with my spare time? Study of course. But as I am suppose to accomplish other things this coming week, I got to be studying again…heart beat very fast….

Going to UPM later for MASUM 2010, my event isn’t until Sunday. Fuh…as there are so many national athletes in UPM, I really hope that I can make it into the finals. Guys I know how much you all have faith in me, but sometimes I know my limits. Gold medals don’t come falling on me always… hahahahaha….

Am still coughing since ever b4 cny and during the festive week at home I had difficulty breathing almost every night I had to wake up sometimes around 5am in the morning gasping for air. As I make music through my lungs it is really a nightmare and not something you want to go through. Thank god when I come bak to ukm this week I can breathe well again. Went to see the panel doctor here and got medication for difficulty breathing.

And so, I just hope that I can breathe for my 4x400m event. During training I already died halfway in 300m. just hope that I don’t burden the team. And of coz my main event, 200m. jia you jia you!!

one wave after the other

2010-02-03T07:29:00.000+08:00

When I stroke out one event on my list, I can see that there’s still others left there waiting for me to deal with.

The all waiting dance that I worried since last year is out of my mind now. Yet as it ends, the mid semester is here to haunt us all. It’s not that I don’t have time to study; it’s only my pig self who wants to sleep and just lay around.

When before this my body works out dancing and going to training. Now my brain is working hard to study. The most familiar word now is HARD which I should synonym it with SUCCESS. I have always lazed around or waste time unnecessarily.

This time, this semester my time is used up fully, and can be considered as wisely. Most importantly I don’t have to worry. I am doing what I like and in the same time I have time to sit on the table and study. I am not just studying like a crazy fool. I have you.

Sitting here sometimes I dream so far away, but I can come back and go on with my studies again. As we see that studies are the main thing we are in uni. I’m studying hard right now, so that I can see the word SUCCESS in the back of my mind.

Nothing is pulling me down, only lifting me up higher and higher.

YAT CEI GAYAO!

hao siang gen ni biao bai~

2010-02-01T22:19:00.000+08:00

I can die and go to heaven already. I’m so happy to have you.

Finally PAP ended, relieve but still do miss the feeling of going to practice and having fun with the gals. This sem is so much more relieved, I guess everyone become so pro in the dance d. HAPPY!

Am very proud again of the 5 of you, another successful dance.

Although sometimes not all 6 of us could dance together, yet in the end it turn out well, too well until I got overexcited and could not adjust to dance the mode I wanted to. In the end, I dance even more girly than the girls, hahahaha…joke….

It is so funny this time I felt no stress at all. Too relax till dance like during rehearsal. The best thing is that you saw me like a fool on the stage dancing. When usually I feel worried that I make a fool of myself on stage, it’s so weird that I feel alright. When usually I will go bang wall, this time I could laugh and laugh.

When usually I take care of how I look so much, last night I don’t care if I look funny, coz I know you will laugh and laugh as well. All I wanna see is just you laughing. All I want to be is for you. I am not changing I am just being the one I am suppose to be, and have you to laugh with. It’s all that matters.

You’re having your exams now, hope you can do well. I worry I keep u away from focusing on your studies, but I know if you put some more effort in it, you can do it. Don’t give up, even if sometimes things may look not right and not on track, you still haven’t reached the end. You still can change how it ends.

Now the wind blows to studies. Having mid sem exams after the holidays. Add oil add oil!

And athletics, I hope I can run faster and faster, skipped training for a whole week last week. Endurance must be down. I want to look handsome, don’t want to run last. Hahaha…

M.I.C.H.E.L.L.E L.E.O.N.G jia you~~~~~~~

being kind

2010-01-26T11:27:00.000+08:00

Is it hard to just treat someone better than yourself? Is it wrong to make the move first? And is it a must, for someone else to treat you good.

Living in your own comfort zone, you will not want to come out, and when you are force to see the bitter truth, you could not allow.

Protected by false lies and words of comfort fool your mind you choose a better road to walk on. From there you grow not to love, not to be kind, choose to live the way as it is and don’t progress.

When a person falls, they get up, depending on the period of time they need. Some fast, some slow. Some may say they are already on their feet, but deep inside they have not cure. With a broken heart, you can’t love someone the way it is because your heart is not whole to start with.

Sometimes you will ask for more, but you don’t pour out the amount of love sufficient for him. Sometimes you just don’t expect so you won’t be disappointed.
Sometimes you keep it all to yourself because he will not understand.

If you fall, the term you “stand back on your feet” is when you can love someone with all your heart. Is when you put down those bitter past and laugh at your own silliness instead of regretting not being better.

When the time comes to you, you will see, but to see in what point of view I do not know. What matters most is you saw those weaknesses and mend it. Don’t leave a hole for those weaknesses to creep in.

Yet, don’t force yourself to do the impossible and prove to people that you are a better person. You do it for yourself, and you find pleasure in doing that. If what you do is tiring you emotionally, it brings harm to you. Being more tired, is being more disappointed and changes it to resent.

No matter how it would be, I am just here to crap bout what I think about it. I’m not trying to sound smart, and don’t say that I am. I just a traveler passing by, observing and learning.

as i had said, i am busy.

2010-01-21T14:13:00.002+08:00

So many could happen in one week and so little time to digest.

To wrap it up, I’ve been training hard almost every evening for the inter university competition in Feb. really hope that I can compete well in the upcoming events, as there will be many national athletes contending together.

This was what I imagine I will do even before I entered uni, but training by myself wasn’t constant and followed my mood. Could not say that it is in my blood, but still I love it. Yet, training has turn 360 degrees, from slow jog to speeding all the way, from 3 rounds to 15. Just takes my breath away.

Besides running, there’s dancing. One friend commented, “Michelle’s lifestyle so healthy”, made me laugh. There’s a look in their eyes that they envy me being so healthy. When envy exists, but no action is done to achieve what u envy, it is better not to envy.

Dancing is every night till at least 11pm. compare to last sem which lasted till 1am in the morning, this time it is better.

Being so mobile, it’s a miracle that my leg is healing. All the white stuffs are cleared. There was one time when it started to smell. It smelled like Mi Sedap’s flavoring. One night I tot my roommate was cooking instant noodles. I ask her, wah…so late still eat. she just nodded and smiled. The second day, I smell the same smell, but this time, my roommate wasn’t there. 1 thing was similar is that at both time I smell tat odor, I was cleaning my wound. So funny.

As I have predicted, this semester I would be in UKM more often. So often till sometimes I can’t go back on weekends. When I reach home, I feel so blessed. But by being here so often I am closer with the friends over here. As of last semester, I spent too much time somewhere else and wasn’t always in UKM. Friends in uni are essential as I will spend almost all the time here and study with them for 3 years.

Well, it’s dancing, running, and of course studying, which I always don’t put it in my mind. Since being here in uni, studies become the core of survival in order to stay on. I am getting use to this system, and adjusting my laziness level towards studies. Studies…I LOVE YOU.

I know I can do it, just that I can’t afford neglecting my studies due to the influence of other people’s actions. I just gotta keep on track no matter what hits me. I’m gonna excel this semester and the semesters to come.

I am gonna do better for the strength I have behind me, for the comfy pillow I have if I fall. For a special someone is always there. For all the reasons that the star is shinning.

burst

2010-01-11T23:29:00.001+08:00

Finally the tumor on my leg burst.

Accidentally knock my left hip to something last week, and I felt pain since then. Been clumsy, and knocking into things lately.

To those who knows, n saw it…it has become red and purple.

But don’t worry. I am ok.

Last two days were SUKEM, which is the inter colleges athletics championship. After leaving the tracks for quite awhile, I am amaze that I still have some tricks up my sleeves. Hahaha…

Got 3 gold medals and 1 bronze out of 4 events. Did not expect this many gold, and I could not sleep the night before the 1st event.

This time it is so different, meeting new friends in a totally new environment that no one knows you. except for a few friends lah. Who is fast and who’s not? Who can I share what I am feeling right that moment? Who will feel happy for me when I win? Who will be cheering for me when I feel scared?

This time is different, coz you call up, and everything changes.

It is a miracle that I can still run with my bump on my left leg. Yet yesterday the skin started to peel, a sitting down on the floor sometime hurts.

Worried, I start to think, if I die, what will it be? So many things going on in this second who will know how I really feel? So many to say to so many cherish people. I can’t die like this.

Then, when I woke up this morning, I look at it. There’s white thing coming out. I am positive that I am going to die. Gone crazy for a while, but I kept on with my daily routine.

Go bath, eat breakfast, play FB. Den, I look at it again. the white stuff came oozing out. I just gotta wipe it away. While wiping, I keep thinking, when oni can wipe finish?

Change my clothes and when to take bus. In the bus, I almost cried.

Was late to class and my face was pale white. I could not look at myself, but Night told me. Cat asked me whether I’m having a bad mood. Solemnly I reply with only an “Ehn.”

Couldn’t talk to anyone, only sms with KY and you.

I did not want to tell mum about this, didn’t want her to get worry but I guess I can’t take it anymore. I have to tell her, and ask her to ask my doctor what I should do.

At last, during class mum replied saying that it is normal for it to burst. I felt so relieve, I could smile again.

Although this is supposed to happen, I still have to bear the pain, and take good care of my leg. I hope that this time it will be cured and I don’t have to worry about it. Don’t have to make the people around me worry.

Recover faster…

not this way.

2010-01-08T15:15:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in some circumstances people choose the easier way out to feel better, comforted. While some easier ways to feel relieve sometimes means you are lying to yourself. You create a better option than to step out to face the truth. You create a fantasy.

Is this the way you want to move on?

If you choose this way to feel better, I don’t mind. At least it is helping you to feel alright now.

But if you declare that I gave you excuses, and all I said were excuses, does it not mean anything to you? If you think that those were excuses, it also means that if I am still here, you would put in mind, those are excuses.

At the moment we talk about it, are they excuses? My excuses that we don’t need to bother, and fix it.

know that I had a past of hurting you, but by hurting me, I could not withstand it.

I gave you the best of me, why don’t I get the best of you? 1st time. 2nd time.

Or is it, you want me to love you till I left skin and bones only you would learn how to love somebody?

To think of the mistakes as excuses, you are choosing a better road to walk on. If the excuse exists, means there’s a root in it. And if you choose to ignore the excuse, how would you go on loving another person?

I don’t stand here from not being hurt at all. What I am today is form by the actions and decisions I made from falling down. I am not someone who keeps standing all this years. I fall, who doesn’t? That is what makes us grow.

Just standing up from falling isn’t enough if you could not sort out what the real problem was.

It isn’t moving on, it is adding pain.

Airplanes and Dreams

2010-01-06T13:41:00.000+08:00

This morning I had a dream, a dream that I did want to wake up from. It was too real for me to even doubt that it was a dream.

Of many dreams we dream, we usually forget or have a blurry vision of what dreamt. But this one, this one wasn’t the blurry one. It’s still here in my mind as if it only happened last night.

It was J; I dream that all of us were having a party or something. We were all talking so happily like before, excited and crazy. Whose house was it, I didn’t really bother. But when you said “hey, let’s overnight tonight.” I could feel that I woke up from my dream awhile, as if I was saying yes awake.

It was like shaking my head up and down and all of us say, “hou er!”…your face would lit up, Adrian would do funny actions. Joey and Joann would clap hands.

Too bad it ended there, instead of being distress, I felt satisfied. For a dream so real for me to feel as if you’re here not away. I could feel that you came for a reason. Like always after my birthday you would come back or be here with us to cover back your absence. You came back in a dream to me.

Last week Nicky sms me, saying that he’d been thinking about you lately. Saw many air stewardesses and imagine how you would look like in the uniforms.

I remember how much you like being an air steward. Remember Singapore Airlines, and how maybe you would leave us going there. First, u left us for Subang, then Kampar, then Singapore? Further n further you wanna go.

When Joey was in college, she told me she wanted to work in an airline. KLIA not bad, she said.

I always wanted to be a lawyer, didn’t have that dream of being in an airline at all. But as two of my closest friend wants to be in the same line, it triggers me to be in it as well. How I don’t know yet. But as 3 of us were in the same class since standard 1, till form 5, we 3 three never go far away.

Independent we all become, but growing up together is something we 3 have. You should have been here. Then we three could be working together in different departments…hahaha…I don’t want follow you wear skirt, be an air steward, but I can work with Joey on the ground. Hehe.

You’re flying up high now, fly high high no matter where you are, thank you for the dream. A dream so real to me.

the higher you fly, the harder you fall.

2010-01-02T01:57:00.000+08:00

And the deeper u love the more you hurt. Could we just adjust our love meter to a level that we definitely could control ourselves?

Bullshit.

It’s only true when you build walls so that no one comes nearer.

I mark my perimeter, made sure I won’t get hurt that easily. I did, and I am safe.

What is love without hurt? Loveless, lifeless, duty.

What is love when you hurt?

What is the meaning of hurt?

Looking around every single person I know is hurt and had been hurt. No one can run away from hurt. No matter how happy we are right now, one day we will hurt. Be ready.

No matter how I lock myself away, I still open my heart and inevitably get hurt as well.

Not this way I want to live. What is this? What am I doing? What are you doing?

Really hope that what Sa Po said would happen. That is to be happy forever and ever. Smiling I am, laughing I am, dreaming I also am.

I wish that you’re happy too, as you seem moody lately. Whatever is bothering you I hope it goes away.

Whatever is bothering me, should it just go away?

Michelle Leong… Focus!

You have studies to focus on; dance to perform on, competition to be on. No time for the game of love.

No time to be a hero for anyone. Don’t call me. My line is busy. Tu tut tu…the number u have dial is unavailable…please try again later.

Star you keep shining and came down to play with me, but you don’t stay. I’m sad to know that I have to let you go each time the sun comes out. The truth remains you don’t belong with me.

Oh darn shit. TAKESHIKEI give me strength…should I go on?

December

2009-12-30T01:57:00.000+08:00

This whole year wasn’t a dreamy year, more of a nightmare to me, and when December comes, I really wish it to be better, as December always cheers me up.

I thought that this year would be a simple want, nothing exciting nor did I hope for great things. For many of you are not here. While lesser the people do not mean lesser the fun. Life still goes on, and I expect nothing more.

As this whole year suck with so many bad news and people getting hurt, my circle of friends did get smaller, but also closer. Going through many barriers together, I saw many tears this year.

Yet, it did not end so sadly after all, all those who were not supposed to be here were here. And all those hurt erase by gifts of smile and tolerant.

I want to say that it was a blast on my birthday eve. I could see and feel the people I cherish, cherish me. To know that I mean something to you all, and you guys doing something for me, just melts my heart tremendously.

One happy occasion comes after another, and I hope it does not end there.

This December, is really special for me. I never spend it this way before. It is a beautiful one.

After all, December 2009 did cover all the pain I felt throughout this year. One significant month, with the most significant person, could just wipe it all away with a smile.

clique

2009-12-20T19:36:00.000+08:00

Have u ever wish that there was someone that understands how you think even if you only express it in simple sentences. It’s not easy to find someone who goes through the same experience with you, even so u may find them, but they are not close to us.

Many people go through the same things, but they don’t go through it together. When you found them you feel that this person understands you. You feel comforted that you’re not alone, and your world is not that dark anymore.

Have you ever been afraid to talk because of what people may think about you? Sometimes we do, sometimes we don’t, depending totally on what the scenario is.

There was once I spend time with a friend I cherish a lot. We could talk a lot and so much, and yet sometimes it wasn’t easy for she always think the other way of my story. It is like she created a new character for me in her eyes.

Then there were those who have a darker side to life. They see plot and envy in people. They are very cautious and always have a negative view. Talking to them sometimes just make you wake up a bit that outside there, isn’t that beautiful after all.

For a moment in my life, I felt that no one could see my point of view, except of course J did. Who could talk so freely, spontaneously, jokingly, seriously, happily, in the same path of vision?

When I thought no one will feel the same way I feel in my circle of friends, I was wrong, and I am happy that I was. When I fell down in my deepest hour, I had Nicky to pull me up, and when I am recovering, I am glad that I had you.

For not thinking me as someone I am not. For seeing the beautiful side of me, for putting butterflies and stars up above my skies.

lost again...

2009-12-11T18:51:00.002+08:00

I pass through many sad and hurtful things in my life. For me, everything may be dark and gloomy, but I choose not to be, I choose to be satisfied with what I have, even if I don't have.

I’ve lost so much already, and when finally something good happened to me. It has to go away as well? I don’t complain, because I’ve known that there’ll no way someone like her would walk into my life again.

I gave up finding anyone like her, because I don’t want to be disappointed, not able to find this angel. I don’t look for anymore angels that are flying, I just stay there sitting.

But why, did you appear to me? You gave me light and lifted me off my feet. You brought back that sweetness in honey. You made me write and write again. This feeling I lost and I thought will not come back.

If I get hurt again I know I can take it, but to not able to try is something I will regret.

When I finally I thought I a miracle is happening, it is not a miracle after all. Again as I have thought, the one I loved would not spend her days with me.

Lost too much, to lose you.

Don’t care about the love and pain in front of me, I just wanna be happy.

E+R

2009-12-11T00:49:00.000+08:00

do i need to die like Ray to be with Evangeline?

Want & Should

2009-12-09T18:35:00.002+08:00

Someone once told me she can’t love the thing she wants. For her, to love that thing is wrong.

Therefore she choose to do the thing she should do, but she was not happy.

Want and be happy, should and be not. Different aspects points out different views.

Let’s put it in how severe it is if we do the things we want, but should not, and see how “should not” does becomes a barrier to do the things we “want”.

Although we might hate our teacher for failing us, we really “want” to kill them, but we “should not”. Agree?

Although we “want” to kill them, killing them would bring such a big problem to ourselves; we decide we better not kill them. So case solved. We rather live with “should not” because “should” would bring more disaster.

This all may sound silly, but it’s only for humor’s sake.

But what if, you loved someone so much, and you know one day you and her will break. You “want” her so badly, but you “should not” be together. Set aside other factors, we put the “ending will hurt” as the main category here. Now how much will they hurt?

I “want” but “should” it be?

Many say, what ends later should end now, don’t get hurt in the end. While some will say, it’s hard to find two people loving each other so much at the same time, and you should have a blast relationship.

My mind is confused. I always want to be with the one I love, and never put “should” as something in between. Just because I have faith in myself I treat her good, and if one day she leaves, I’ll let her.

As for her, I see that she would love me so much that when the day comes it will hurt her as much as it hurts me. This makes me think a moment would I want her to be hurt in that way? No I don’t.

And yet I don’t want her to be hurt at this moment right now and not in the future as well.

If only she could see that I am hurt enough to be hurt again. I’ve seen the big ocean, and I know how to drift on the sea alone. So it is no big deal a hurt for me.

If “should not” be together is because the fear of me being hurt, you have your answer. I may be use to drift the sea alone but don’t let this go away. It’ll hurt me more to see you hurt right now. It’ll hurt me more knowing that I have to let u go alone.

In this scenario, “should not” isn’t that bad after all. We can accept the fact that “should” be replaced with “should not”.

So it should be, that “want” and “should” exist together in our story.

our own story

2009-12-06T16:54:00.000+08:00

Our story is different. I am not someone the world may see as. I am not someone that your friend might see.
Would you not see, I would not let u get hurt as much as this.

You may listen to her, and you rather listen to her than to trust me.

Not everyone is the same. I know how it ends, and I am ready for whatever comes in our way.

Why hurt like this? To know how you feel for me hurts me even more. I rather not know.

Let’s create our own story; it will not be the same as what you heard. Listen to me. Hao mah?

Just listen to your heart, not others. Hear my heartbeat...its true...i promise, it wont hurt.

tsunami

2009-12-05T19:24:00.000+08:00

Standing here as if no tsunami hit me.

I stay sailing in the ocean, slow and steady I move with the wind. I don’t want to paddle my way to somewhere else, I just want to go slowly to the island where you are.

All of a sudden a tsunami hit me…taking me off the course towards you. Almost drown; I keep my head up in order to save myself. Those words hit me like a tsunami, but I swim my way to my boat again, in I go and continue sailing. As if nothing had hit me.

This time I maybe sailing away, I will sail somewhere else so that you don’t have to decide. I may not be so strong, but my boat is. I will continue sailing, to where, I still don’t know.

fault

2009-11-24T19:47:00.000+08:00

The world may fall on you, but you don’t fall down and give up. You crawl back up when everything is on the ground lower than you. There you are taller than anything, when everything is beneath you.

There is no wrong or right and no one blame you for what you did, or did not. You are not walking the road ahead alone. You are just sitting a test where only you are allowed to answer you own questions and sometimes I can’t help you.

I may teach you how to do it, but in the end you have to do it yourself. I can’t be guiding you all the while, there will be no room for you to grow.

Too comfortable you become, and you can’t see the glass falling. In your comfort zone you refuse to grow, refuse to step your feet out.

I am not making your life harder, nor making your life darker, will you look on the bright side?

That I did not blame you, no one blame you, I just have to go, and I can’t stay here. Even how hurt and sad I had been, I still look forward so that I won’t feel hurt anymore.

Can you tell me who does not care enough for you? Each and everyone by your side do care for you.

Look outside, step outside, and see what the world really is. Sometimes it may be disgusting and you don’t like it, but you can’t hate the world. You can’t hate your friends, even if they sometimes get on your nerves.

Accept, overcome, and solve it. How ugly the road in front, you can change it to be a nicer one.

You just need some seeds and water, so that flowers will grow, and clear all those dirt in your path way. You just got to work your way to a better road.

Everyone does it. Sometimes they don’t realize it.

So you see, don’t be lazy. Get up, you will want to see a better view.

Calm Breeze

2009-11-19T21:39:00.000+08:00

Blowing winds and cool air is a normal scene we see this few days. Cloudy skies day and night, grey in the day and red in the night sky.

As cool as the air may be, is also as cool as my heart would be. Waking up in the morning, passing by the roofless corridor, watering my friends the orchid and fu kuai fa. In my mind I just want to brush my teeth at the sink next to the balcony, looking at the clouds, brushing my teeth never felt so calming before. Hahaha....

And so is my day, switched on the radio and get on with my daily chores. There is nothing to worry, nothing to be sad about, and least frustration on my mind.

This is the only time I did not work in my holidays. Really didn’t get used to it at first, as I always try not to be at home, but this time was different. Since the sem break started till today, I find myself drown in chores and catching up with friends. I guess I really need time for them and of course time to clean the haggard house.

Mom doesn’t get on my nerves too often nowadays. This few weeks itself, I connect back with friends I don’t meet in almost half a year, months, and even weeks. Guess I spent so much time somewhere else I could not make time for myself and for these friends.

No ups and downs too frequent a time, just a simple straight line along the cruise. Slowing down my pace and trying to sip the fresh air. The air with my scent, the air of being me. Spending more time at home with the beautiful lady at home, maintaining this old house, and chatting throughout the night.

That is life, life during my sem break here. Hahaha…

diamond or sand?

2009-11-14T23:08:00.001+08:00

Blood pouring,
Tears flowing,
Air gasping,
I still can’t breathe.

Crunching hearts,
Beaten minds,
Weary souls,
I still am tired.

When I needed you, where were you?
When I was standing in front of you, what were you doing?
When I loved you, where did you put my love?
All was when and when means the past…

I love you so to hurt you even more,
Love you so to be hurt like this,
Love is what I can’t give anymore,
I am sorry I can’t go on like this.

I just need to protect this fragile heart,
Not made of diamonds,
But mere sands, blown by winds,
In your hands, you could not grasp.

Time is not on our side,
For time was what I gave,
But time made a fool of us,
Time took my heart away.

How long is time?
How long does it take to make me smile?
How long does it take to break my heart?
How long does it take to understand.

This heart came back to you,
Begging you to take it in,
With past regrets,
It hopes to see changes.

For you I pluck the stars,
For you I’d cross the oceans,
I stayed the same,
Loving you even more.

Maybe I hurt you too much,
For you to show me that u love me,
Hurt you too deep,
For you to actually show that you care.

Deep inside I know you love me,
On the outside, it does not show,
You’ll care and cry,
But a tear is not what I want.

Laughter, where have you been?
Comfort, are you there?
Joy, I know you are here,
But worry, is always next to me.

Go on and tell me you will change,
Baby, hasn’t it been awhile now?
No you can’t change in a day or two,
And I can’t fight any longer for you.

I am not running away,
I’m just walking away,
I am not far away,
But I am not here to stay.

no broken hearts

2009-11-05T03:15:00.000+08:00

How u feel now, is how I feel 3 years ago.

This is just a phase for u to grow up stronger, don’t give up loving someone. You never know who can treat you better. I’ve done my best for you, I make it all possible. Now it is time for me to move on, and find my inner happiness, and your true self.

You will mold up into a better person after each fall, look what happen to me. After falling so hard, I start to stand on my feet stronger, yet still scar and skeptic about love.

Everyone at this moment of time have been hurt deeply, till the extend no one wants to pour out their love no more. I admit I can’t pour out all I once had in me for you. I can’t fall that hard anymore. My heart isn’t whole to start with, therefore I become conscious. Protecting myself from love’s catastrophe.

Until now, this heart is still not whole. This heart isn’t in one piece. It keeps cracking; I don’t know how much I could hang on any longer. I now you love me. You really do, but you don’t show it. You always think that I don’t need so much care. Don’t need you to ‘sayang’ me.

I can’t leave my heart here to crack some more…it will break. When I restore my energy, to make my heart full again, strong harsh winds blow it back down. Seasoned by your actions and cold winds, I prefer to keep my heart as a whole, before I wear out, before our fire burn out.

I am still here, I have not gone completely.

Your turn to need me so much, I can’t give you anything anymore. I can’t be there with you every day, all the time; you need someone that can do it, for you.

Don’t say that you will walk the road ahead alone. You have such good friends by your side. They are there for you. Although I feel the vast difference between us, I still can feel that they will be there to guide you.

I need to see a smile…not tears…no broken hearts, just moving on.

I want to be happy, you to be happy.

should be...

2009-10-29T06:36:00.000+08:00

It is suppose to be easy, comfortable.

Love can come with guide. Guide does not need to come with love.

You’re young we both know, time was what you need and I gave you. I had great memories but something was missing each time. Is it that you wanted me to be happy but you weren’t happy inside coz deep inside your happiness was not born out of me.

I wanted to do something else, you did as well. I saw things in this way, u saw in another. Yet we compromise, whatever you wanna do I’ll do, and so did you. Truth is you know I don’t like it, I said I wanna stop. From there we do our own things again.

Told myself, I should not leave you to be alone, I stayed nearby, hoping to be there when you need me. Sometimes I could not be there physically and it hurts both you and me. You know I always try my best to surprise you, but maybe that was not enough.

I still remember how you look when I gave you that lantern. It’s weird that you did not look surprise at all. I don’t mind if you don’t. But why when I look at you, you rather sms another person at that moment. I never felt more disappointed. What was on your mind? You apologize, but that special moment had passed. It’s gone. I wanted to see your face light up, but u didn’t.

I told you how I felt, I told how I would want you to treat me. You are supposed to be the one who should know me better. We seem so estranged, and I still can’t accept you going crazy after another TB than me. You could be so excited about her in front of me. What about me?

Am I not good enough? Yes maybe I am just not because I start to feel tired. I have no strength to pull out jokes that you don’t even laugh.

untitled

2009-10-29T06:24:00.001+08:00

i cant sleep the whole night...just coz i feel so stress...i din get to study today (or should i say yesterday)...thats y i tot of just sleeping the nite off...but then i could not....wake up at 12am all of a sudden...n took out econs to study...

i could study so well in th emiddle of the nite..i feel so calm...i felt as if nothing is on...everyone is asleep... but not my room mate...we study on our seperate tables till dawn breaks...n it is 6am in the morning now...

untill i open ur blog to read...i knew i would find something unpleasant, after what had happen today (yesterday)... your speechless makes me speechless...i never post bout our problems because i never felt that it were problems...until when i need you the most u keep banging me down...

one year of happiness

2009-09-10T14:03:00.002+08:00

it's precisely one year that we've been together hand in hands...

if we didn't broke up...it would be a year and a half...anyway we're back...and that's more important...

these past tree months when i am in uni...i rili cherish the times we had...come to think of it...we meet each other quite often after all...

surrounding us are people with heartbroke hearts, having to miss those they love so much...or even felt lonely even in a crowd of people...

seeing JR n Sa Po i felt happy for them too...but today also was supose to be KY's anniversary too...

after the barriers we bare, being here is where any couple would want...

but still sometimes there's that age gap...hope u fast fast grow big...haha....

happy one year anniversary lah...gonna meet u later ok...

xoxo...

could i make it?

2009-08-29T01:14:00.002+08:00

its just almost 5 months after she past away...
but as each day passes, it hurts even more deeper...
isn't it suppose to be better as time wash away that scar...

ur cousin sister sms me just now..i was lying on the bed with the lights on, with my mind on whatever that came across...

i formated the phone and lost a lot of numbers...even mann's number.

all of a sudden i saw a msg saying that "im at janice's hse now..tonight gonna stay at her room"...

terkejut saya...

actually it was mann...she overnite at her house tonite...coz she'll be going to penang with auntie tml...

i've been missing her these days...even nicky oso sometimes tell me the same thing..
i just act thoug...n ignored that msg...

but tonite..i could cry again...when i recall the times when she told me how much she love her new house so much...her furniture...her appliances...the condo's facilities...

the last time we were in her hse was on new year's eve...we had a splended night steamboat...

audrey was there too...we prepared our meal tat night together...at her hse...

evrything was so delicious as d ingredients were custom chosen...

adrian even bought whisky for us...had dinner...sip a little..

if that wasnt enuf...we went swimming in the middle of the night...no one else but us..

too bad the guard had to chase us off...so funny...had to go back up...just in time to see the fire crackers on her balcony that night...

but she wasnt tat happy...like always...she remain d shady...fought on the phone with her bf...

anyway...adrian and i would owaz bring things back into mood...even if she was frowning inside...

J...we all miss u even more and more each day...u've impacted us so much...

impacted the ppl around you, as u were a down to earth person who show concern to ppl all ard you...never hurt anyone...but owaz hurted by people...

be cool gal...we're here living our days not letting u go...keeping u as an example...remind us to cherish our frens by our side...

even if we scar each other...now and then...its just a move for us to grow...

catching up...

2009-08-06T23:32:00.002+08:00

live in uni now is quite stabil already...
finally i see where i am going...what to do, an dmeet plenty of new friends that are so frenly...
just gotta hope i keep going on smoothly...why, its just a hope...

been so busy bout things, and rili no mood to type down anything, when there's actualli so much to type...

there was the 1st week of uni, the weeks to come, the prom nite..the upcoming fact nite...

there's so much things on my mind, i cant keep track of wat to do...

been well in class rili...especially for management class...d assignments rili are so challenging n makes me use my brain to answer them...n wat makes me love it..i usually score high scores like 9/10....haha...the satisfaction in that..

so much..so much happen...

yet one thing remains...that u janice, still not here with us...
i cant help but start to feel ur absence...
maybe its only 5 months...n maybe we've not talk to each other even longer than this..
but really not this way...usually we still hear some news from each other...

5 months...just like tat...slow or fast? i duno...everything's like a flash...
but when i look bak...u've oni gone for 5 months..which make me feel like a year has past...

why do i feel sad? i riili dun wan to feel this way...it hurts so much to know the thruth...

why do i cry...even if i noe that would not change a thing...

if only i noe what was the last thing u rili wanted to do...

i may just feel a lot beta...one last help for u....n u close to us...again...

too much..

2009-07-28T01:41:00.003+08:00

actually too much happen in the past weeks...

weeks that now seems like months i did not blog..

but weeks seem like a few days to me in reality...

so much to say, but i only i get to write so few with this fingers of mine...

i've used my time unwisely...spend it all on other leisures, and also assignments...

used it up with new friends i meet at uni...

used it up with momo at home...

used it up with mum at home...

where do i find time to sit down....relax..n blog...

wow...so fast...alls gone like the wind that blows by...a breeze i wish to feel longer...

no post

2009-07-22T00:23:00.001+08:00

totaly no time to blog at all...

wat the..where's the time?

fuh~~ facebooking more often nowadays~~

cant fit in a time for blogging....

exausted...

2009-06-25T18:34:00.004+08:00

this few days memang pain in d neck...

when constantly argue with mum over uni things..and ask her not to worry about things and about me so much...

headache lah..tolong...

today woke up early to go to bank islam to pay my uni fees...

not too expensive, but watching that women taking money out of her pocket..i still feel like don't like...i wanted ptptn...but dear over worried mum afraid that it would burden me if i pay back..

what the f**king shit...she over heard that a month have to pay back rm500 over.. (like that geh wah can buy car lor)...stupid de...where got gov payment so expensive de????

when i explain to her the through deal...she cant accept it...argh..nvm...nvm..pay lah since she is so capable...

haiz..after going bank islam..went back to school to get some things done...
when back to JJ to get something from mum which i forgot..
went back home to bath (unnecessary...but weather rili hot)...
when to TS again to buy some new formal clothes...
and then wah la...come back to work at 5pm...till 9pm tonite...

but i am damn exausted...rushing and running...
my shoulder sakit leh..momo...where are you? come massage abit... =)

cant wait...

2009-06-22T11:25:00.003+08:00

Isn’t it cool tat I don’t have to be home for the coming year…and 3 years to be exact…

Yes I may be exaggerating, but hey…im glad that this day came like revelations.. im going to uni...

Since im at bangi…I still can always come back on the weekends…thank mankind for transports..

Can’t wait to check out the new place…although I keep hearing ppl say how well equipped it is.. I still have a ready heart for disappointments…hehe…

Long for Sunday to come…
Long for meeting new people
Long to check out the place
Long to study the course I love
Long, Long, Long…

Still…I am worried about the women in my house…hope she doesn’t miss me too much…

fuh~ got many things to gao dim...alot alot of things to accomplish~

later JR n i go to buy luggage...
tomorrow going back to school...nite celebrate KY 's bday...
Wed go shopping with ka jie...nite go watch tranformers
Thurs got f6 gathering..at nite go steamboat with nicky..
Fri nite got appreciation nite for d ns thing...n my last nite at TK's b4 entering uni..
Sat...all to momo...
Sun...head off~~

weeheeheehohoho.....

going into Uni..

2009-06-19T13:16:00.002+08:00

i did it...

i was so excited bout the results..but i did it...

im going to UKM to study econs...which is my 1st choice~

i should have applied UM as my 1st choice...

coz UM is so much more nearer...there's KTM and putra...fuh..

momo cant come to visit me ler..haiz~

but so glad and thank god i study near KL...

at least i can come back on fridays to sundays~

wahahaha....dont have to be at home ler...im so hepiiiiii.....

*damn excited*

J Oh J, where for art thou J?

2009-06-17T13:43:00.002+08:00

Everything is different, we are moving on in so many ways…sometimes fast, sometimes slow.

Gonna continue studies soon…really glad that I had a good result and u knew it b4 u leave. I’ll be going into local uni soon. By Friday I’ll noe which uni I get.

I am moving too…mum bought a new house at Casa Ria. Will be moving there within half a year. So if you come to visit, don’t go to Jalan Mahkota lor…go Jalan Jejaka… Either way, im gonna stay in d uni’s hostel..compulsory for 1st year student leh… =)

Ka jie dey all will help me shift…like we help you last time when you move to Sri Putramas…
All of us came to help, I even woke up late..hahaz..so hapi ar can shift house…but still ng sae dak d old house…

i remember u told me on the phone tat u love the new house alot...got blue lights geh switch, can see KLCC, got rili cool swimming pool with slide, u even said there the security system quite strict...new use electronic cards to go in anywher...even into gym or sauna...

I oso love this new house a lot…but how to tell you? I told semua orang d…but still feel tat I haven’t tell everybody…

I really wana tell you tat im moving…I will go study in U..i will live in hostel…

I want you to see…tat we bcum old ler…

Same kindergarden, same primary school, same secondary school…thought half way in f4 u left…
We grew up together…almost everything we did together…together…even we went clubbing for the 1st time together…

Less than 5 times we went…and after tat I never go clubbing with d others…I wonder…will u be dancing beside me?

I am very happy ah…I can go into local U…I told everybody…but I can’t see your face when u hear this news…

I met ur biu mui on facebook…she so funny and cute…glad tat she was with you wenever u balik kampong…at 1st when we chat…start to talk bout u…I rili dunwan hear…

I don’t want feel tat u’re gone…I don’t want to remember the time ur mum called…

I just want to keep u as a happy memory…I don’t want to regret all the things we cudnt do together.

But why…I keep on remembering all the times we used to spend together? I feel so fan jin ah…

Last nite went to Pudu Plaza with SM…I remember we always go ther b4 sesi petang…
I see the word Pudu Ulu…I remember we said…eik…here is pudu ulu meh? PGRM wor… not consider as maluri or perdana meh..suddenly pudu ulu de…

I think im not sad…I think I didn’t lost you…I think I don’t need to be like this…

restart!

2009-06-11T18:48:00.000+08:00

Aint dwelling on the pain and sorrows ni more…
Finally I get to go back home, and the doors are widely open…

Won’t let this go this time…

Won’t let myself be a silly kid anymore…will cherish the ones by my side dearly…

And for weeks, and months to come…even years…I noe where my heart sets…

Is where you lie...

maybe this is the answer..

2009-06-06T12:48:00.003+08:00

Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.
Love never fails!
Everyone who prophesies will stop,
and unknown languages will no longer be spoken.
All that we know will be forgotten.
We don't know everything, and our prophecies are not complete.
But what is perfect will someday appear,
and what isn't perfect will then disappear.

1 Corinthians 13: 7-10

I am finding what love is…
coz I am struck and stung by my own actions, till I could not see and show that what truly love is.

But is it true that u can love someone so deeply in a short period of time?
I may fall in love quickly, but not deeply. See that in a relationship, u need two hands to clap. And if only one hand exist, how could you love with your heart?

I may let go of you so easily, left you to be alone, and I went on with my life.

I made you not trust me again and that I love you still. I made you felt that I come without a reason. Made you tremble when you see me. Made you hate me.

After this time…u still could not understand me. Sometimes I doubt should I come home?

After this time…could you see that I am still here? Waiting and waiting…

I want you to be happy, even with or without me…but can you see that u are hurting yourself.

I stay aside, waiting upon you. Till whenever u need a shoulder to cry on, even if

u may not love me anymore… I still couldn’t bear to see you hurt yourself.

hectic boring

2009-06-05T14:11:00.001+08:00

Been out with different people every night…i don’t know how to divide my time ler…

I am so tired of being here in this blue box in my work place…here I lay always thinking about her, so suffer a…

Wed night went out with ka jie…thurs nite with gong po’s, than midnite go out with M6N… tonite go to home cell…mon to Sunday..i am always fully book…but where are you?

I want to be with you..where are you?

I saw SW yesterday…rili weird that we don’t talk anymore and ignore each other basically...I chat with ah mei last night about d langkawi trip…i asked her whether she’s in KL not, just coz we’ll drink at ma house this sat…but she said she’ll oni come back after spm…

Where were the times I had with you? M2…I didn’t notice that u were already a part of ma life that I took away. almost half a year laa…I am living without you.

All the fun places I go…I wish u were there. But everywhere I go..i am alone within my heart walls.

Hectic boring…

I run and run there…fill my schedule with friends left and right. But here again I stand. I stand.

I am tired. Very tired. I want to come home.

I want to cry..but tears ain’t rolling down this cheeks…

ambivalent

2009-06-04T11:59:00.003+08:00

it is so weird that she doesn't knows what she really wants.

here i am standing all along. night n day, sunny or raining..i've not move an inch.
not a step further nor a step behind.

"i am sorry i don't have a role for love to play,
handover my heart, i'll find my way..."

its hard to stay this way. after months i lay here this way. for once i thought u'd shut d door, but why you come back to haunt me?

it hurts so much when u touch me. yet i let u lean on me. i have no guts to push you away. but u answered me, let's just be friends...

i stood still, keeping my cool, realizing that whatever i did, u wont forgive me deeply.

u didn't even open your heart to me, how could u feel that feeling we had before?

can't you see i don't feel it too? you have not deicde, but u lean on me.
i know when we touch, your heart isn't there.

everythings needs time..im not asking for us to go fast...we can start it all over...but why you push me aside?...and pull me in again...

i wait upon you without a move is cause i know that u cudn't forgive me so easily. but could you see that there were so many walls between us?

there were so many misunderstandings. all i can do is wait here...cause explaining isn't the answer...i am sorry...

pahang getaway~

2009-06-02T17:58:00.000+08:00

Been to Pahang Jerantut on d 30th till d 1st and im back…

Everything was great, it was a church camp n I felt refresh from the camp…

We went to check out the elephants on d 1st day and went swimming in d evening.

Usually in camps like these we’ll sleep very late in d morning or dun sleep at all…but this time I guess I was too exhausted n was a bit unwell, went to bed around midnite..

On the 2nd day we went to the caves. Climb some slippery rocks n took some pics in d dusty cave.

On d 2nd nite I felt lazy to stay up but yet we played cards till around 3am n then go back to d room to watch some movie den…Zzzz….

This time din do many stupid things…but just took a lot of pics and observe the nature a lot..

Dunno why, but I felt more appreciative of the things around me, even d camps I go..i wish to linger a while more to check out the scenes around. Rather than d usual, I hang out too much with the guys~…haha…

I’m in a state of where my healing stage is almost over. This trip is more than a normal holiday to me, it is really a break for me…and made me stronger in so many sense. The camp speaker did open our hearts…and help me see things much clearer.

Did a lot of catch up with the people…and been facebooking a lot nowadays…which also helps me keep in touch with so much more people..fuh…can I say that.. I AM BACK!!!~~

addicted!

2009-05-22T11:00:00.000+08:00

damn! been addicted to this com game since like a week ago now...

it aint that fascinating but i love completing the stages and hitting the “expert goal” which doubles my income…

Guess u’ll be wondering what sort of games is this…while it’s just a simple game Say Li intro me,

>>Burger Rush<<

Ahh…I never been more satisfied in hitting the high score. Basically i have to match 3 ingredients together in order to create to burger. A burger may consist of few ingredients such as the meat, vege, sauce, or cheese…

Customers keep comin in, besides preparing the burger, we can serve soft drinks and fries too…yummy! There’s a targeted goal each day with how much income u should hit, and after that you have the expert goal u have to hit to double the tokens earn.

Argh, I’ve been crazily addicted to it till I don’t go out at night anymore…(kua cheong d)…

Haha…I really stayed at home in my cozy room just as I finish bathing and dinner, when usually I’ll go out to meet the guys up. I sent advance messages to them saying that “are we going out tonite? If yes, im not coming anyway~~” haha…

People who make a habit in calling me at night have to get use to my new addiction, telling them that I didn’t go out and play game at home instead make them felt curious.

I play at work, play at home, and almost wanted to bring the laptop out with me when I go out at night…soon I won’t be able to socialize like a normal person…then I’ll suffer from autism which means I only talk to myself and stay away from people…neh! Think too much….

Ceh, eventually I’ll get bored of this game soon…but haha…I still need to keep beating my own high score and make the whole board with my name on it “M”…ngek ngek ngek…

here

2009-05-17T18:49:00.000+08:00

I am still here, and I am still me

If I say I did not change, that is a lie. I’ve changed, and changed. Now in the end, I am molded into a better me.

I’ve been ‘bad’ and I’ve been good…yet I turn bad and now can I say that I am good?

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it shattered in just moments… all the heart I pour out for, and all that I reach out to, all is forgotten and now I am condemned.

I am no longer the one people looks up to, no longer that steady ME that they lean on.

The feeling is like, you are typing a document that you need to hand over urgently, you almost finish it but suddenly u accidentally spilt coffee on the lab top. Nothing is saved, and you have to type it all over again.

I remember I was very patient, I could dwell and take anything that comes in my way. But I don’t know since when, I cannot control my own anger, my dissatisfaction, my anxiety, my mind, and my actions.

The people I was good to, the people I helped, and slowly one by one they move away. Every one moving on to different paths of their lives, while some move away because their legs tell them to.

I am no longer someone anyone can rely on. I am no longer someone that cares. I am just a brutal heartless person, who doesn’t know how to be satisfied.

If I take a step, to climb up again, will anyone see that I am back? Or will they just remember how filthy I became? What if everything happened so coincidentally? That the people around me only saw the dark side of me.

I’m glad that my friends are still around me, and I did not lose them to the war against myself. Now I am picking up the shield and moving forward to take back my dignity. Although I may lose the battle, but I won’t give up on myself.

I know that I still exist, and I want so badly for her to see it.

time to change

2009-05-15T11:48:00.000+08:00

all new...

guess its time to move on and leave the past to rot by itself...

i am still me, and i ain't refusing the past...just that the older blog is really old, n really needs some touch up...

so do enjoy my bull shitting and emotional moments...do hope to post more 'happy' stuffs though, so harap harap begitu lah..

-done-